


The Need for Steed

by stefwith1f



Category: The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Centaurs, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:58:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefwith1f/pseuds/stefwith1f
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sparks Nevada helps folks that need helpin'. </p><p>Even if it disrupts his Christmas decorating time. </p><p>Even if those folks are super weird.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Need for Steed

**Author's Note:**

> for Caro.

FOLKSY HAL  
Now, folks, Mars ain't strictly got months, not as we know 'em, but old habits die hard - _sometimes_ with a vengeance! – and this time of year Earth folks homesteadin' the red planet can get a bit sentimental. We find our hero preparing for his solitary celebration of the season... 

SPARKS  
Howdy Croach - hey, this look even to you from down there? 

CROACH  
The boughs of a non-native, possibly invasive species of conifer? 

SPARKS  
Yeah 

CROACH  
Studded with what appear to be toxic drupe fruits? 

SPARKS  
Holly. Yeah. 

CROACH  
Are you preparing the marshal's station for a threat of which I should be aware? 

SPARKS  
Just - does it look even? 

CROACH  
Yes. Your fortifications are equally spaced. 

SPARKS  
Good. I been up and down this ladder all morning. It's almost Christmas, Croach. I've told you about Christmas. 

CROACH  
You have. It does not mean that I understand the human need to decorate physical structures in accordance with the seasons. 

SPARKS  
Way I figure, it isn't gonna' hurt us to be a _little_ festive 'round these parts. 

CROACH  
Have you invited guests? 

SPARKS  
Nah, it ain't Christmas _yet._ Wait. Guests? 

CROACH  
I sense two riders - no - four riders. No. This is most unusual. I cannot distinguish between rider and mount enough to number them. 

SPARKS  
So... 

CROACH  
So _someone_ approaches, Sparks Nevada. Prepare for _someone._

SPARKS  
All right, all right. I'm sure it's just folks riding through town. 

[GALLOPING SFX] 

SPARKS [CONT'D]  
Ah, yeah, two riders, you were right the first time. Two riders with ... torsos ... and ... Hey, Croach? 

CROACH  
Yes? 

SPARKS  
You're seeing what I'm seeing, right? I ain't hallucinating off some crazy low-grade space vertigo from runnin' up and down a ladder? 

CROACH  
I see two beings. They possess humanoid upper bodies, and lower extremities which more closely resemble those of what we would designate "horses." 

SPARKS  
Yeah, why do you seem _fine_ with that? 

CROACH  
Rebuttal: how much _more_ time do you forsee yourself needing to spend on G'loot praktaw before you stop acting as if things from outside of your narrow frame of Earth-reference are commensurate with hallucination? 

SPARKS  
What has gotten _into_ you? 

SHEN  
Greetings! 

SPARKS  
Hey there. Can I help y'all?  
[to CROACH]  
See? Friendly, accepting. 

SHEN  
We are seeking those tasked with maintaining the law on this planet. 

SPARKS  
Oh! Well. You found 'em. That's me. Us. This here's Croach the Tracker, and I'm Sparks Nevada ... marshal on Mars. 

ZAN  
"Mars," he said. 

SHEN  
You are from Earth! How unusual. 

SPARKS  
And where do you all call home - don't suppose it'd be the Alpha Centauri system?  
Right?  
Little too on the nose? 

SHEN  
I apologize, I do not ... 

SPARKS  
Because ... you know, like centaurs and stuff.... 

CROACH  
Sparks Nevada, it is presumptuous even for _you_ to expect advanced beings from another galaxy to be aware of a piece of human mythology tens and thousands of years in your Earth's past. 

SPARKS  
Right, sure, but ... they look _just_ like centaurs. 

CROACH / SHEN  
They are not centaurs. / We are not centaurs. 

SPARKS  
Yeah, fine. So where _are_ you from, and ... what do I call you? You got names, I assume. 

SHEN  
You may address me by the name my progenitors gave me: Shen. Or, my military rank: Tahrr. Either, or both, is satisfactory. 

SPARKS  
You're serious? "Shen Tahrr"? 

ZAN  
And I am his second-in-command, Zan Tuur 

SPARKS  
Come _on._

SHEN  
Of the planet Chandan, in the spine of the Brecca constellation, which you of G'loot praktaw of course adorably misdesignate: "B'reck-a" 

CROACH  
Our misdesignation sounds _exactly_ like your designation. 

SHEN  
It is hardly even similar. 

SPARKS  
Come on, Croach. You gotta' say a guy's planet right. Or at least try, and keep tryin', and never get it right _ever_ even though you're sayin' it the _exact_ right way every time. 

CROACH  
We _do._ We say it _exactly_ in the manner indicated as proper. 

SPARKS  
Yeah, sure you do. The nerve of him, "correcting" you like that. 

ZAN  
If we may interrupt - we have come here with great purpose- 

SHEN  
Indeed. We are not vacationing on G'loot praktaw. Nor would we. Ever. 

CROACH  
Oh, now this. 

ZAN  
We fear a junior squadron, out on a training exercise, lost their way and may have crash landed on your world. 

SPARKS  
Nnnnno, nothin' like that's happened here lately. We would have heard about any vessel crashing into us - it's a small place, Mars. 

SHEN  
We are well acquainted with the shortcomings of this planet. 

CROACH  
[Outraged noise] 

SPARKS  
All right. 

ZAN  
We have written down their last known coordinates - here - it was after their transmission, one day ago, that we lost touch with the craft. It may be that their positioning systems merely failed at this point, but ... if we might just take a look. To be sure. 

FELTON  
Marshal! Marshal! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalp! Marshaaaaaaa-oh my goodness, horsey-people. 

SPARKS  
What is it, Felton? 

FELTON  
There is a _ship_ just appeared out of _nowhere_ half-stuck in a hill out past the Widow Johnson's farm. 

ZAN  
Stealth capabilities likely remained viable after the crash, but have since given out. 

SPARKS  
Felton, you all didn't hear a giant noise like a ship fallin' out of the sky about a day ago? 

FELTON  
The lady horsey-person said they were stealth. 

SPARKS  
Stealth don't extend to the sound of a _spacecraft_ hittin' a _planet._

CROACH  
It does, actually. 

SPARKS  
That don't make any kind of sense. 

FELTON  
Also, I should add: it is on _fire?_

SHEN  
Fire! 

SPARKS  
Aw, Felton, you gotta' _start_ with that part. 

SHEN  
We must go to their aid immediately. Will you assist us, Marshal Nevada? 

SPARKS  
Of course. Let me saddle up and we'll ride. 

SHEN  
There is no time. I will bring you out.  
Croach the Tracker, Zan will carry you. 

SPARKS  
I'm sorry, "bring"- 

SHEN  
We are wasting _time_ , Marshal Nevada. Throw your legs around my flanks and let us _depart._

SPARKS  
Oh, I don't ... I don't wanna' do that. 

CROACH  
Sparks Nevada, their people could be _dying._

SPARKS  
Ok, ok. Just - I'm doing this under the most serious protest of ... bein' ooked out by it.  
[Struggling, unhappy noises]  
H'yeah? 

SHEN  
Unnecessary. 

SPARKS  
Yeah, it felt wrong. 

[GALLOPING SFX] 

SPARKS  
I don't see any fire.  
[Cough]  
Plenty of smoke, sure. 

CROACH  
It seems the fire has gone out. 

CENN  
The suppression system. It extinguished the fire almost as soon as it ignited. We are fine. 

SPARKS  
You didn't mention the craft had fire suppression systems... 

ZAN  
There are also systems in place to keep it from crashing, revealing its position to unauthorized entities, and from catching fire in the first place, so .... 

SPARKS  
Fair enough. 

SHEN  
Cenn Tar, where is your crew? 

CENN  
I'm here, Ssen Tar's trying to get our stealth back online, and Senne Tar is off looking for pretty rocks.  
That's a thing he does.  
Hello ... everyone. 

SPARKS  
Your junior officers all got the same given name? 

ZAN  
...No. You just heard _all three_ of their names. 

SPARKS  
Sure. 'course I did. They all definitely sounded like _completely_ different names. 

CENN  
We had this under control, Shen Tahrr. 

SHEN  
You are on the wrong end of a galaxy, invisible to our tracking, and you were very recently on fire. 

CENN  
Crazy, right? 

ZAN  
Protocols exist for dismissing an entire squadron of junior officers. You realize that, yes? 

CENN  
Yes, Zan. 

SHEN  
Gather your crew. We will tow your ship back home, and we can discuss this further in a more appropriate setting. 

CENN  
Yes, sir.  
[to CROACH]  
You have a lovely planet. I regret that we crashed into it. 

CROACH  
 _Thank_ you. 

SHEN  
We will retrieve our ship, and then bring it back here to connect with the wreckage. Then we will get out of your way. Thank you for your assistance, Marshal Nevada. Croach. 

SPARKS  
Wasn't no problem. We didn't ... actually end up doing much. 

ZAN  
Still, it could have turned out differently. And you were ready to help us. We will not forget that. 

SHEN  
Can we offer you a ride back into town? 

CROACH  
That wou- 

SPARKS  
We'll walk.  
Such a nice ... afternoon.  
Thanks, though. 

SHEN  
Cenn, Ssen, Senne. Let us go. 

[GALLOPING SFX] 

CROACH  
They do, all three of them, have the same name. 

SPARKS  
Right?


End file.
